My dad’s dad was adopted. My grandfather never knew much about himself, let alone where he came from. He was never sure of his own birthday. He was never sure if the stories about his adoption were true, what few stories of limited information he even heard. Even if the stories about his records being destroyed in a fire aren’t true, he had no idea where to even start looking, the whole world being an option. My grandfather had a borrowed name. No roots, no ancestry, no medical history, no family history, nothing but a borrowed name.
And so I lived, a bit afloat all my life. Black pride, White pride, Irish pride blah blah blah whatever. I got nothing. Nothing but a borrowed name. Sure, I have a mom. Sure, she has a mom and dad. They know who they are and where they came from. Sure, my dad has a mom. She had a mom and dad and knew where they came from. Sure I have a dad. He has a name given to him at birth. But his dad doesn’t. My name, MY name, isn’t my name at all. It’s a borrowed name, given to my grandfather in a cloud of mystery and lies. Given him to wear like a coat that doesn’t quite fit. Too big in the shoulders, too long at the waist. Uncomfortable, sagging, never quite worthy of the disheveled out of place boy that it was given to. MY name, wasn’t my name at all.
My dad’s dad died in 2002. Shortly after, in the same year, my dad’s mom died. Everything was permanently lost that year. The stories were left behind, but now only stories retold by others. Memories were left behind, but the first hand accounts, gone. Deprecating mental health started the erasing of a life even earlier. And stupid me, never had the thought of being interested in those stories until it was much much too late. The records, the names, the lives. Those borrowed names and families meant nothing to me until it was too late. My grandmother’s roots meant nothing to me, it was my NAME I wanted, and my name I couldn’t have. I have a borrowed name, and now I have less than even that. Now it is all slowly fading away, like a very slow dripping rain falling on parchment under the eaves…drip.. splash.. seep.. smear…..drip..drip….drip……….drip……………….
